Back when I was a child, my aunt said, “You should be patience and understand your parents. You should endure for them. Just live with me so your parents can focus with your siblings instead.” And then my little sister said, “You’re not Mom & Dad’s daughter. You’re aunt’s daughter. So you won’t get anything from Mom & Dad.” And I constantly heard my relatives talk bad about my parents and my siblings… in front of me so that I can hear.
Yes, I endured them all, told myself it’s okay as long as my siblings are free from these hateful speech. I counted the days, waiting for the high school graduation, so that I can flee to other city, where no relatives and family of mine lives there, so that I can live alone.
During my university years, my little sister said, “You should graduate quickly and find a job. Be aware that you’re the eldest, so you have responsibilities to help your younger siblings.” I was like, “And I thought you said I wasn’t Mom & Dad’s daughter.” But yeah… once I got a job, I sent half of my salary to her, every month, for years, when she’s in university.
Back when I was in early twenties, my little sister said, “You should pity your brother, he’s a man and he has no house. You should help our parents financially so that they won’t ask brother for money, so that brother can save money to buy his house.” Back then I tried to fulfill that and thought, “Ah, it’s okay, I can live for myself after this… My brother need a house faster than me because he wants to get married while I just want to live a single life.”
When I was almost in my thirties, Mom said, “I am old but haven’t had a house. Thus, I want to buy a house. I just have enough money for the down payment. You and your brother pay the installment.” I said okay to that, my brother too. My relatives? Of course they couldn’t help their selves saying, “Look at your brother, despite one year younger than you, he’s now has a house while you have nothing. You don’t live your life responsibly.” le sigh…
This year, Mom’s house installment still has 3 years to go. A couple of nights ago, Mom said, “I want to sell the house. Your youngest brother has no house, so a part of the money will be used as down payment for his house. You should help your youngest brother with the installment.”
Wow… just wow! How long should I endure this anymore? When will I be able to start living for myself? I know there are many others who live a way much harder life and condition than me, but am I not be allowed to feel fed up for these treatments? Do I have no right to say I’m tired? Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, I care for my relatives… but am I not allowed to love myself? Why bother delivering me into this life then?
rainalie 